7 Important Jobs You Can Get Without A College Degree

Your guidance counselor loves to yammer on and on about the “importance” of a college education. Y’know why she says that? ‘Cause that’s what she’s paid to do. The reality of the situation, however, is that you don’t need to get a degree in order to get a good job – one in which you hold a buttload of power over your fellow man. The jobs on this list are important, sure, but easy as hell to get.

Lifeguard

 Lifeguards literally save lives, dude. Which means the difference between you drowning or surviving is dependent on the competency level of a kid in a straw hat who earns eight dollars an hour standing in the sun at Raging Waters. I mean, all you really need to do in order to get your lifeguard credentials is push down on the chest of a plastic dummy, man. How terrifying is that? If you plan on going to a public pool this summer, my advice to you is to stay in the shallow end.

Security Guard

 

When's the last time you saw a security guard read anything, let alone a book? (Looking at people’s I.D.s doesn’t count.) You don’t need to be a Rhodes Scholar in order to be a security guard. Heck, you don’t even need a high school diploma. I shudder to think of how many mouth breathers in windbreakers are packing teasers, let alone handguns, in this country at this moment. Just don’t make any sudden moves in front of ‘em.

Working in the Healthcare Field

 OK, so am I the only person disturbed by the fact that the person who takes my blood at the doctor's office went to a school advertised on a bus stop? In my opinion, it’s way too easy to get a job in healthcare nowadays – some schools advertise that their programs “only take three months.” If someone's gonna poke me with a needle, I want them to have worked at the Mayo Clinic for at least two decades. My blood is precious, OK? It’s my life essence!

 A Politician

 Remember George W. Bush? If, for some unfathomable reason, you don’t, let me refresh your memory. He was the leader of the free world, and he had a C-average in school! Speaking of dummies, how about that Anthony Weiner (tee hee) feller? He ain't smart enough to NOT get caught sending pictures of his wee-wee to multiple ladies, but he's still running for mayor of New York City. He may be a cheater, but he ain’t no quitter!

 

Working in a Nuclear Power Plant

 Homer Simpson might be the most famous nuclear power plant employee of all time, but there's no way in hell he's the dumbest (he is a fictional character, after all). Even though things going pear-shaped at a nuclear power plant could, uh, decimate an entire state, workers only require a high school diploma. Even Homer went to college, for God's sake.

Bus Driver

 Bus drivers only go through one to three months’ worth of training; all they need to get the gig is a commercial driver's license, which is only slightly harder to score than a regular license. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, "some employers prefer drivers to have a high school diploma or equivalent." SOME. Not all. And they get to drive enormous hunks of metal with non-seat belted human beings in 'em. Nice.

Actor

 If magazines like US Weekly and TV shows like Entertainment Tonight are to be believed, being an actor is the most important job a human being could have. The power of acting, as expressed via movies, web series and TV shows, gives the average person's mediocre life meaning – studies show that 88% of mid-westerners, for example, would have committed suicide if not for the existence Game of Thrones. Now, I don’t know if you’ve heard an actor talk recently, but...uh...they can’t.

What jobs are you horribly unqualified for? Let me know in the comments!